A Slap Upside the Head (in a Good Way!)

                I was having supper with a friend of mine the other night, who happens to be a member of my old grief group from last year. We have dinner together once a month or so. His grief story is remarkably like mine, but he has been more proactive in dealing with his loss.

                In the course of the conversation, after listening to me being dark (as I have a tendency to be), he posed the question, “Why can’t your life be as good as, or better than it was before?”.  I must confess that his question knocked me for a loop.  Since Susan passed away I have always held the notion that my best day since her death would never be 10% as good as my worst day when she was with us.  Why? Having latched on to my friend’s question, I was forced to start considering why I have felt this way for over 2 years.

                I watched my mother live in misery and grief from the age of 36 until her death at 73 after my father, her husband died in 1961, leaving her a widow with 3 kids.  After that I lost my brother, sister and mother, my whole family.  In addition, I was raised and educated, as I have said many times, to believe that my life was about service to others. In addition, I was taught that thinking of myself and my own needs was somehow selfish. It somehow never occurred to me, even during years of therapy, that if I did not consider my own needs, who would?

                 Thus, I have refused to think about what I might want out of the rest of this life. Too painful, too selfish, I told myself. But I realize now that this is simply an evasion.  There are clearly things I’d like to do. There are things I’d like to accomplish, and places I’d like to visit.  After my conversation with my friend, I laid awake all night thinking about the concept that life could be as good, as happy and fulfilling as it was before. I was forced to take inventory. I have friends and family who are wonderful. I have kids and grandkids who are wonderful and kind. I have reasonably good health. I have resources, and I have meaningful work.  There is really very little on the negative side of the ledger.  I have loaded the negative side up in the past with false things, invented things, all swirling around the loss of my beloved wife. But as my friend pointedly asked me the other night, “Would she really want you to be miserable like this for the rest of your life?”.  Wow.  Never looked at it that way. I would guess that she would not.

                My friend pointed out that he did not wish to be defined by his wife’s death.  “It is not what defines me, it is something that happened to me”.  I had not thought of it that way.  But he is right (again!).

                Yes, I miss her. Yes, she was the center of my life. But she is gone, and I am not. As a wonderful song from singer-songwriter Michael Johnson says, “That’s that. I can scream I can shout, I can cry my eyes out, but she’s not coming back. That’s that.”.

                So, I have started a list. Item number one is a “fresh start”.   What does that mean? It means unburdening myself of the past and many, if not most of its artifacts. I have set aside those things which help me remember my time with Susan fondly and happily.  The rest is going away to be replaced by new furniture, new dishes and other of life’s accoutrements. I will move to a new (old) city (Cleveland), and tick off items from a ‘bucket’ list of things I want to do, see, accomplish and experience.

                I cannot thank my dear friend enough for his metaphorical slap in the face, (thanks! I needed that!). And while it is easy sometimes to slip back into the old and trusty habit of being miserable and dark, (somehow this is comfortable and familiar?), I will now have the question of the hour looming in the forefront of my mind, “Why can’t your life be as good or better…?”.  It will serve as a constant motivator, and reminder of what life is about.

MPC 12-2-2016