Next month will mark the 3rd anniversary of the
death of my beloved wife, Susan. She left us early on the morning after
Thanksgiving, after suffering with cancer for nearly three years. The world
lost an incredible person: artist, healer, mother, wife, teacher and overall
source of light. I lost my closest friend, lover and life partner.
People deal with loss in different ways. Some avoid and
deny. Some try to duck the process by drinking or other self-medicating tricks.
Some try to replace the person they lost. Some fall apart. Some deal with it
stoically. There is no ‘best way’, no
silver bullet, and it is best that we try not to judge someone going through
this process. Until you have felt this
pain, endured the loss of someone dearly beloved, you have no idea whatsoever
how it feels, and for every person who has lost a spouse, a parent, a child, or
a dear friend, bereavement is a unique process.
For me, there was first a period of numbness, lasting
probably 4-6 months, where I really did not feel anything. There followed then
a period of fairly intense pain. During all this time, I sought the help of a
grief group, finding others whose situation mirrored mine. It was extremely
helpful, because in my case I met 5 other wonderful people whose losses were
deeply and intensely felt. We bonded. We are still friends. But even within
this august group, we each deal with our pain somewhat differently.
Now, nearly three years out, I still miss Susan deeply and
constantly. It has been said that the pain of loss is in direct proportion to
the depth of love one has felt for the person no longer here. If that is the
case, I can well understand why I feel the way I do. It does not go away. You
don’t get over it. The loss is always there, staring you in the face, and your
job is to cope with it as best you can. I deal every day with the notion that
my best day in this life will never be 10% as good as my WORST DAY when Susan
was here.
That all said, there is joy to be had. There is fulfillment
to be had. There is altruism to be given. Do not isolate yourself. Try to limit
the time you spend feeling sorry for yourself. Let the tears come when they do.
Eventually the good memories of your time with your loved one will be more
frequent than the sad ones. And most importantly, try not to identify yourself
by the loss. It is something that has happened, not something that should
define you.
For me the loss will always be there. But so will the
incredible memories of companionship, laughter, tears, closeness and shared
experience.
MPC/10-29-2017
